A lot of companies were looking for Drupal and WordPress consultants this week, and you know what that means: another batch of funny job ads! No, really, I’m really excited about this week’s funny job ads, and I think you’ll agree. Because who doesn’t just LOVE funny job ads?!
Like this real-life job ad from CraigsList, which I swear is completely true, which is looking for “Smart Software Developers,” as opposed to the stupid variety. (And if you’re not a smart software developer, I’m sure they might still accept your application, as long as you’re at least a technical rockstar.)
Looking for Smart Software Developers
TraderBots is looking for Smart Software Developers to help us build out our system…
Here’s [sic] are our screener questions:
1. What is our website about?
2. How would you improve our product?
3. How do you think you could contribute to our team?
4. Are you willing to work remotely?
5. This is open ended. Say something insightful about our product, our competition, our business, yourself, etc.
Your reply should include “I Love TraderBots” so we can filter form letters and bots
Say it with me, now: “I LOVE TraderBots!” And cheese! Because both of these make you a Smart Software Developer (as opposed to a stupid one).
As an experienced writer, I only had a one-night stand with TraderBots. A quick love affair, but it unfortunately didn’t work out, so I can’t honestly say that I love TraderBots anymore. We were both heartbroken, but we promised not to let it affect our friendship. I still invite TraderBots over to coffee once in a while, but she’s usually busy, probably with her new boyfriend. So I curl up in the corner and sulk and nibble on a wedge of cheese.
The writing jobs, unfortunately, aren’t much better. Most of them list a college degree as a constitutive desideratum, because in college, you learn words like constitutive and desideratum, which spice up your writing and make your reader want to put his head through a wall. Unfortunately, I don’t have a college degree, and so I won’t have the privilege of earning the salary of the educated writer, which is apparently almost as much as you can make working at a fast-food restaurant.
That’s why I continued looking for web-development jobs, which frequently don’t require college degrees, like this one, looking for a “LAMP [MySQL database + PHP or Perl] Developer for Small Biz Web Site.” They claim to be a web-design firm, looking for someone to “help this week to build out a small site (or 2) from client approved PDF/AI files.” Skills required include a “passion for cross browser/ W3 compliant code,” which as we all know is a very controversial subject, exciting passionate debate and superfluous spacing and slashes from all sides of the political spectrum. But fortunately, there’s “NO content management/ database required,” because as you know, that’s something no one who can do MySQL/PHP/Perl programming would know about anyway, nor would probably be interested in.
As it turns out, even without any long-term contracts, I still am booked up, so I can’t help them this week. Besides which, I use content-management for everything—I’m a content-management/database zealot—so I’m probably over-qualified for that LAMP-developer gig.
Well, they say that the economy is improving, but clearly the job picture is as clueless and confusing as ever. For now, I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll make myself a cheese sandwich.